Posted by: Lotta | December 23, 2010

And this is how it continued..

2 months ago I got a text sent to my phone, telling me that my phone number has been passed on to a tour operator based in Johannesburg. It came from a wonderful soul I’ve only met for 15 minutes while we had a transfer in Jo’burg on our way to Cape Town 3 months ago. The short meeting we had consisted solely of thoughts of life and our love for this country and were, obviously, long enough for us to in the end exchange numbers for a promised meeting once we both had found peace and settled in.

Anyways. The text was followed by a phone call from a company saying that they needed a translator for a Swedish tour group, which were already on the road. They could not find a Swedish guide, so they were going for an english speaking one and a puppet next to them who translated whatever came out of the guides mouth. That puppet was about to be me.

And so it began.

The morning after a petit woman with long rugged hair, glasses placed far down on her nose and with a broad South African accent picked me up, and she was smiling and laughing in between sentences I’ve had a really hard time understanding from time to time. We drove for hour after hour until we reached Oudshoorn where we found our group busy learning about ostriches and feathers. With no idea what I gave myself into we took on the group, which proved itself to be a challenge of a lifetime. Oh my GOD!!

The group was promised a swedish GUIDE. Not a person who speaks english in a way where they don’t understand her and a first time ever translator who 1. Never been to the places we were going to, 2. Had no idea on how this whole translation thing worked, 3. Barely understood the guide herself.

It was a complete disaster. I have never in my life felt so small, so confused, so stressed and lost. All meanwhile I was supposed to smile and make the best of a situation where nothing good could be done. It was hell. All I wanted to do was stop the bus, get out and walk all the way back to my safe ground back in Cape Town.
I can’t remember when I last found myself in such a stressful situation. When I last stood face to face with something I had never done before and where I had to just deal with it. Right there. No turning back or excuses. Face it, deal with it and make it happen. Felt like a bird trapped in a cage. I had no where to go and the enemy was right in my face. Horrifying. Different. Seriously disturbing, but real.

I then remembered my vision, my invisible extra luggage – it was about time to jump and see if I could fly.

And from nowhere I started looking at things differently. The situation was what it was, the only thing we all could do was make the absolute best of what we had, which was not much but still try with the pieces we had to play with. As with everything there is a first time, a beginning, a start. And usually those first stumbling steps you take in order to get your balance right is the worst, but also the ones that you need in order to continue moving forward. So I stumbled, I fell, I looked for things to hold onto, I got up for a little while only to find myself falling again and I did cry that first night because I felt like such an idiot.

I woke up the next morning, dreading the fact that I had to do it all over again. However, something had changed. Not too sure how but I felt stronger, more secure and I walked on that bus with my head a lot higher than the day before and all the sudden I was not falling anymore. I was flying, still a bit wobbly but flying.. And loving it.

Since that horrible first experience, since the tears and the humiliation I now talk about it as my future for a while. This fell in my lap from nowhere, without asking or questioning, and I had to fight myself in order to find out that this is what I am meant to be doing (at least for a while). It’s too much of a opportunity to let it go, to look the other way, to take it for granted and just brush it off my shoulders and move forward to nothing.

It’s time to start living a life where goals can be set for longer than just tomorrow. To see a future, fulfill dreams and really appreciate what is out there and inside myself and others. To breath the world and see the mesmerazing and beautiful moments we share and create. And yes, it’s a lot easier if the road is a little bit lit, and right now it sure feels like I can see more than I could before.

And the girl that started this whole circus? Unfortunately she’s still a stranger. Our meeting still has not taken place and we have had almost no contact, which is why I’m so amazed how such a short meeting now has changed my life in to directions I could never dream of. Just proves that there are pure souls out there, and that every meeting do happen for a reason – we just need to be open to it.

Love your life and the people in it, magic will happen!

Posted by: Lotta | November 22, 2010

Life, the past few months.

Before I decided to come back to the beauty of South Africa my mind was struggling to get around what I wanted to do with my life. Again. Where was I supposed to be? What was I supposed to be doing? Am I running away if I leave yet again? Should I save more money and be safe? Should I just go? Where? What’s right, what’s wrong, right, left or should I simply just don’t do anything?

A decision had to be made and the one I finally packed with me in my bag was the one where I’m just going to run off a cliff and try to fly. No safety net; not enough savings, no plans, and not much more than a feeling that everything was going to be all right, if I only let it. But would it?

I was shit scared and bubbly excited. Colorful emotions of everything from feeling that this was the most ridiculous idea ever to feeling the world open up it’s arms to me. Some might call it confusion, stupidity and a refusal of growing up, and maybe it was, but somewhere I knew a new beginning was about to take place.

However, the happiness of this feeling, the feeling of greatness, slowly faded as the days passed after I came to Cape Town. It was lovely to be back, amazing to see all the smiles and feel the love from friends and turning strangers to familiar faces. But underneath the pure bliss of being back was a thorn that constantly woke me up from the dream, a pinch that reminded me of that all this could end and I would have to go back home if I didn’t figure out what I wanted with my life here. I needed to open my mind, let everything go, start all over and look at the place from a different angle than before.
It was simple.I needed a job. A job was very hard to find. And so the mental war begun, slowly but surely it took over and made me very unpleasant to be around. I had almost nothing and I wanted so much. And the more I thought about it, the less I did anything about it. All I did was think. Think about that I needed to do something, but I did nothing.

All the sudden, all while beautiful sunsets and magical gatherings took place around me, I found myself in a negative spiral. As we all know, the more you look for something you’ve lost, the smaller are the chances that you will find it. The more you search for the right man or woman, the more the obsession will blind you and you’ll find no one. And yes, the more you think about the fact that you NEED a job, an opening, a sign or a slight change in your life – less chance is it that you will actually get it.

Luckily I realized that I was making it so hard for myself. I knew, deep down, that all I needed to do was relax. Relax and focus my mind on how I want it. Not have much I needed it. To simply sit down and take a few breaths, stop stressing about things too much because when it’s time it will happen. It really will, and it always does.

So that I did. I took a few days off from everything. Spent time by myself, listened to the wind, took walks, reflected on life and people around me, slowly wrapped my head around the situation I was in, and pushed it aside again when I had delicious cups of coffee amongst red, blue, purple and green flowers in the garden. I breathed. I forced myself to not stress about the fact that my money was running out and I had no job. My mind struggled a bit when I came to peace with the thoughts where I might have to go back home to Finland again, but with every day it became calmer and I found myself ok with where I was.

It’s hard to explain. But as soon as my head was emptied of all negative and depressing thoughts of how it could be I felt lighter and could definitely see things a lot more clear. The foggy reflection of my life and myself disappeared and I seriously felt ok with whatever would happen next. Home or stay, it would be all right.

And yes. Funny enough, then it all began..

To be continued..

Posted by: Lotta | November 11, 2010

Band of Horses – No one’s gonna love you

This song is one of the most beautiful ones I know, but this version is for some reason more powerful, more piercing and more loveable than other’s I’ve heard. It’s simply stunnig. It explodes of sparkling feelings and soft, whispering memories filled with emotions anyone can reach out and grab.

Closing your eyes your head will fill up with pictures of people, places, beautiful, or maybe even sad, moments from the life you have lived and are living.. It’s mesmerazing. I’m blown away. I’ve smiled through the tears and laughed through memories, and all from one little song.

Light some candles.
Turn the lights off.
Turn the volume up.
Lay down, close your eyes and slowly melt into the magic..

Posted by: Lotta | November 10, 2010

Are you real heroes, my friends?

Got my daily dose of Storypeople in my inbox today. And feel like sharing it because it’s a cute, mature, fluffy, yet beautiful dose of thoughts.. And I wish I could call myself a hero every single day of this amazing life, but must admit that some days are harder than others.

Are you a hero everyday?
Can we be?

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