It feels like my mind has been blank for the past month or two. Not that I haven’t been thinking, feeling and absorbing, just more in a way of where everything is one long moment of things happening. No beginning, not really an end, simply just a flow of feelings, experiences, energies and connections wrapped in to one massive bubble of amazingness.

Every single second has been used, every minute embraced and every hour and day has been thoroughly explored with new eyes and eager minds.
Closing my eyes I can still hear the happiness in the air. I can almost touch the sense of completeness of the faces on the dance floors, feel the morning dew underneath my feet when waking up at sunrise in Wilderness and taste the flavours of each single spice touching my tongue.

It’s been times to remember. But do not ask me which day things happened or whatever happened before or after the other, because I would not be able to tell you the truth. Everything is blended together, a blur of smiles and laughter in scenarios all over Cape Town and beyond.

Happiness.

Still. There have been days where my body has told me to stop pushing it, to just slow down. Where a silent whisper echoed in the back of my head saying that the world will not stop just because I decide to miss out on a few things. And a louder voice demanding me to remember that I am not here on vacation, I still work.

But, having people visiting from countries far, far away makes that voice hard to listen to.

So, I have pushed it. And I have loved it. Naturally though, it has left me exhausted and drained since I’ve been running on pure excitement of the fact that I got to show them the magical beauty that this place portrays.

But my energy ran out a long time ago.

Now that my sister and my friend is safe back in the northern part of the world, I have time to re-store the energy lost a while ago. Time to sit back and just listen to the inner me, watch the sunset in silence and simply contemplate where I am now.
Right now.
I need to get back inside of my head. I need to feel the easiness of just being and get rid of the sense that I need to do something all the time.

I simply have to slow myself down.

Focus on what is right here and feel what I really feel – and evolve in it.
Climb back up the hill and onto the road I was on before, the road I somehow seem to have slipped off for a while. Then it will be easy to just lift my head up, straighten out my vision and locate the signs on the way. Since they’re all there, or more precise – they are still there.

Looks like there is a lot of things I need right now. But I guess that’s how it goes sometimes. You lose track of where you are.
And it’s not that I am not still smiling or are unappreciative, I am just very tired.

So, by taking one small breath at a time my energy will find its place again.
Slowly. Piece by piece. Bit by bit.

One small breath after the other.

I am back in the land of fairies and wonders and where the sunsets fill your heart with hopes of long nights and feet forever barefoot.
I am again walking among people with loving smiles and blissful hearts. And oh, how I love it!

But, a month has passed and somehow I have not felt like I have landed yet.  Like I am still floating in a state between dream and reality.

I have one foot still lingering back home, in some mysterious way, and the rest of my body reaching and grabbing for life here. But I am getting there, or here..
See. my hands have got hold of Cape Town and the busy buzz that it represents. I feel it every day as I am among the working and the homeless, the tourists and the mountain, the crazy traffic and white sandy beaches with the freezing ocean at its feet.
I feel it in the everlasting smile on my face and happy thoughts flowing through my head, so the one sunkissed foot that is still touching the cold, snowy ground in Finland will very soon find its way here. I am not worried.

My heart that has been lost for a few months have finally found its way back to where it belongs and even though my one foot is still tip-toeing somewhere far away - the rest of me is completely, and utterly at home.

Imagine.
How my home away from home actually seems like it is turning in to my home..

yay.

Another beautiful and fantastic bundle of words from Storypeople .
I opened my inbox this morning and there it was – telling me it’s time to go.

And it is.

Just a week or so to go. A few more nights of cold feet at and the tough mornings where dark skies hover over this island i live on.

It’s not that I have not tried or that I don’t understand the magic of living in this part of the world. Because I do.
But, no matter how much I’ve tried to look at the changing of seasons as something beautiful, there has always been a little too much darkness, a little too many wet shoes and freezing fingers. No matter how hard I’ve tried to collect any sort of energy from what’s around me, I somehow end up drained from all of it. I don’t know how to deal with it.

Summer was amazing.
Fall was spectacular.
Winter is not my cup of tea at all!

Some people might call it running away. That I am just postponing the inevitable, that I’ll end up here sooner or later anyways. Many of them think I don’t want to grow up or simply that I’m too scared to realize that I don’t know what I’m doing with my life. But so be it then.

I know that this is not where I belong. At least not this time of the year.  Knowing I’m saying good-bye to it for another year feels great. Knowing I do not need to deal with the long, dark days feels very relaxing. It’s just for another few days.

Then i might feel alive again.

I’ve been thinking quite a lot of this whole process you’re going through when you miss someone. I’m getting a little bit confused at this point, because I seem to react and feel in ways I never thought I could possibly do.

There has not gone many days where I have not missed someone.

See, there is no way you could ever have it that perfect, that every single person that ever touched your heart or ever crossed your path and made a mark could all be where you are – at all times. No matter how beautiful and wonderful that scenario would be, it is not possible.

So we miss people.
Every day.
Each second we breathe and moment we live.

Sometimes more vibrant, more real, in ways where you can almost smell their scents or hear their laughs if you simply close your eyes. Those times it can make you smile as the memories dance on your eyelids but also tie your heart into a small piece of nothing where you can hardly grasp for air.

There are times you miss someone just briefly. From nowhere, with no warning, your heart – and the world with it – stops for a second or two. Aching. Smiling. Pure feeling of some sort. And then time starts moving again, and the moment is gone.
But it was there. They were there.

And of course there are the small thoughts, the quick ones. The ones you could compare to a soft breeze a summer night, or a snowflake landing on your tounge – you should (and do) feel the slightest cold but before you can sense it, it’s gone.  But those too makes the people you miss in your life right there, even if it is only for the smallest of seconds.

The hard part of missing souls you feel connected to is when it tends to prove itself to be a long, mind wrenching struggle to let go of the feeling that you miss them. When you sometimes can walk around a whole day thinking about some people miles and miles away. This kind of missing usually happens when I just left them, or when I know I get to see them in a very near future.

And here is my confusion. I’ve had this long, never ending, mind wobbling craving to go back to Cape Town and to meet everyone again. I have always known that I would go back, and that it would be soon, but somehow I might have thought that it would not happen after all.. It’s happening now. And the excitement I feel is out of this world, but the closer I get to my departure date – the further away from everything and everyone I feel.

I have come the phase where I start thinking about scenarios where I meet the ones I’ve missed very much. How I will react, how will they react, now what, oh shit, look at you, where am I, what am I doing, i’ve missed you, I am so happy to be back..
And I do think about every single one every day and I still miss them, but I am getting a little bit confused regarding the fact that I’m more withdrawn to the fact of going back instead of dancing my socks off with eagerness over my return.

I don’t usually feel like this. Why is this?

Maybe it is as clear as the fact that the sun will set each night, slowly descending in to a sea of colors.
It might be. And it probably is. I simply think I am a bit scared that everything that was then might have faded in to something transparent, something less touchable and less real – just because I want it so bad to be just as loving as it was then.

Soon it will show. And I’m excited for it.